Why Language Matters After the Loss of a Child

Words hold power, especially in moments of grief. What we say or don’t say after the loss of a child can leave a lasting impact, one that either brings comfort or deepens the pain.

For parents and families, child loss is often a traumatic experience, with emotional and psychological impacts such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and heightened emotional sensitivity. These responses can begin immediately or emerge in the days, weeks, or even months after the loss.

That’s why growing your awareness of language is essential. When someone is grieving, your words can either:

• Help meet them where they are emotionally, or
• Add to their sense of isolation, overwhelm, or sorrow.
  
  

Common Statements That May Hurt

While often well-intentioned, the following statements can unintentionally cause harm:

• “What happened?”
  
• “How can we help?”
  
• “What do you need?”
  
• “Oh my goodness, that’s just awful!”
  
• “I’m so sorry... but you know God has them now.”
  
• “They’re at peace now.”
  
• “You can try again.”
  
• “It was an early pregnancy, at least it wasn’t later.”
  
  

Let’s break down why some of these can hurt:

• “What happened?”
  Asking for details may force parents to relive their trauma. If they’re not ready to share, this can feel invasive and overwhelming.
  
• “How can we help?”
  In the midst of deep grief, most parents cannot identify what they need. Offers like this often result in “I don’t know” or “I’ll let you know” because their minds are simply trying to survive the next moment.
  
• “God has them now.”
  Even people of faith may need space to wrestle with grief before bringing God into their pain. Reminders like this can unintentionally deepen spiritual confusion or anger.
  
• “You can try again.”
  This invalidates the unique loss of the child they are mourning. No future child can replace the one who is gone.
  
• “It was early, it must have been easier.”
  Loss at any stage is still a loss. Grief is not measured by gestational age or years lived, but by love.
  
  

What You Can Say Instead

When you don’t know what to say, keep it simple, honest, and heartfelt:

• “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
  
• “Thank you for trusting me with something so personal. I’m so sorry.”
  
• “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I care.”
  
• “This couldn’t have been easy to share. Thank you for opening your heart.”
  
• “I’ll check in with you in a few days, just to be here.”
  

Sometimes, less is more. Grieving parents don’t need solutions, they need presence. Acknowledging their pain with sincerity is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer.

Most of us weren’t taught how to respond to this kind of loss. And that’s okay. But as a society, we must shift from trying to “fix” grief to simply holding space for it.

Yes, it’s uncomfortable.
Yes, we wish we could make it better.
But no, healing does not come from words that minimize or explain away the pain.

When someone shares their loss with you, they are inviting you into a sacred space of trust. Your compassionate silence or your gentle acknowledgment can be the bridge that reminds them they are not alone.

Need Support for Your Team?

Beyond the Walls of Grief offers language training and grief-response workshops for teams, churches, and organizations. We create safe spaces to ask hard questions and build confidence in responding to loss with empathy and wisdom.

To schedule a Zoom or in-person training, please email us at beyondthewallsofgrief@gmail.com